first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
