i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize