I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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