you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
