I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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