you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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