Plan B is the new Plan A
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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