I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
