your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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