Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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