My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
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I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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