Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
