So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
