Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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