it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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