My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
