My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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