the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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