the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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