I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
