According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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