And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
4 words: hood of his car
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
