There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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