Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
