Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
