If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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