i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
