rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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