The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie