does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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