I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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