my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
