Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
