I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sex in the backyard? Check.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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