last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
