it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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