Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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