I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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