I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
