not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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