i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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