I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
