i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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