Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
