Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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