i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
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I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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