I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
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Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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