Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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