I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
