God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
