Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
