Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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