So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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