you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
