I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
