I'm eating all of the evidence.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
