I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize